So I decided to rely on my support system....
I know I have written (or at least thought about writing) how much work this actual "Ph.D. thing" really is. If you are thinking about pursing a doctoral degree, let me tell you, it is tough. I don't even have kids and it is tough! There is something to be said though about the company you keep. I honestly can't tell you how many times I have said I wanted to quit, and my support system has come to mean the world to me. The first class of the program was interesting. I said to myself, "I can do this!" I still believe I can... at times. There are other times that I question my very existence, especially when I see that a 240 point assignment is coming up, and I am still just trying to catch up with the current week's assignments... and discussions... and responses... and my own literature review... and did I mention that I deal with an "undiagnosed" condition of adult onset attention deficit disorder! I say "undiagnosed" because my primary care physician reports I have it, but it hasn't been "diagnosed" by an actual mental health professional. So, yeah, there are mountains to climb as I tell my students regularly (there is a Mount Everest story in there and my experience climbing the mighty mountain and even surviving an avalanche, but I digress).
After reading so many articles about surviving doctoral programs and reading the statistics about how many don't actually finish (it's A LOT), you would think I would convince myself to push ahead. You could even cue me to say "I think I can, I think I can, I think-." Truth be told, I can't. No, I am not about to give words of wisdom or some type of insightful morsel of knowledge. I am going to say that as someone pursuing her doctoral degree, I cannot and could not do this alone. Luckily, I have a few people that I rely on over and over again. These people inspire me to keep going when my brain switches over to "That dress is so cute. Is that a puppy? I wonder how much a classroom set of books cost. I have a doctor's appointment? I wonder if there is any Dr. Pepper in the fridge. I think I can't. I can't do this. I am crazy. I don't want to do this. I am nuts. I want to quit. I wonder if I should paint my toe nails." Welcome to my DAILY struggle. Some days are worse than others. There are some days I get so much done that I puff out my chest and feel like yelling "Ohhhh Yeahhhhh" (think Macho Man Randy Savage and the Slim Jim commercials). No matter what though, I need my people, my support system, to survive on the good days and the bad days.
So on these good days and bad days, I first reach out to God. He is number one - the creator of all things. My faith carries me through quite a bit of what I think I can't handle. I tell myself that God will never give me more than I can handle. I know He is here every step of the way. I am sad to say that although I know God is with me, my humanity sometimes gets the better of me. Go figure. God has given me some gifts. My first gift is Sam, my fiancé. Almost every day he hears me say I want to quit, and everyday he tells me he believes in me. Sometimes it is hard to hear, especially when I am crying my eyes out because I don't think I am good enough or smart enough. He is unwavering in his support. Sam's mom (Ph.D. in English) has also been a huge support. She will actually go through all my papers and edit them. She will encourage me and compliment me. She will also let me know when I need to correct my grammar, shorten a paragraph, move a chunk of text, reword a sentence…, but she is truly fabulous. I also have my friend, Jen. We teach at the same school, and she has come to mean the world to me. I don't talk to her much about my program. She does, however, see me stressed and sometimes deals with my private messages about not being good enough. She will not only encourage me, she will also listen to my new teaching ideas I may have just discovered from my research. That is beyond helpful. Next, I have my partner in crime, my bestest best friend, my twin, Tiffany. Tiffany will actually try her best to help me make sense of concepts. She will read through my paragraphs filled with words that even we didn't know really existed (They just pop out of my head, but apparently they are words. Who knew?). She believes in me, pushes me, and encourages me to keep going. One of the funniest people in my support system, however, has to be my mom. I say this because during the first class when things were tough, she told me, "You can't quit now you are almost done." I told her I had 3 more years to go, and she said, “Like I said. You can’t quit now you’re almost finished.” That still makes me laugh today. These people have given me the strength to continue, so I have decided to rely on my support system.
*Now, I am off to see if that Dr. Pepper really exists...