The one thing I will not sacrifice...

I have to start this post by saying that I wanted to leave my one thing I will not sacrifice as a mystery until the end. If you were hoping for an answer, skip to the end. My thoughts for today are a bit jumbled as I have found that going into a doctoral program takes a lot of time and a lot of sacrifices. This is not to say that at the end it will not be worth the sacrifice, but it is saying that before starting a doctoral program a person should be aware of the tremendous cost. I am, of course, not only talking about money. I am in my second course and already I am feeling the pains of sacrifice.

I know, you are thinking she is two weeks in, and she is already complaining about a goal that she said she wanted. I do want it. I guess what I am trying to say is that in order to be a successful doctoral student, you have to add up the costs in terms of life. You will LITERALLY have no life for approximately 3-4 years depending if you stay on track. Many of you may know that I am a full-time 8th grade teacher. When I put myself to work, I give 110%. I am organized, confident, efficient, and goal-oriented. So when I first started my program, the idea of "giving up" events, tv, reading, hobbies, etc. did not feel like a huge sacrifice. Now, imagine giving all this up and having children! I give kudos to those that are working full-time, raising children, and going to school.

I have found in the last few months that those things that I thought would be easy to sacrifice have instead become very difficult. There are moments that I sit with my laptop and just stare out the window. Sometimes I am thinking about an assignment, a post I have to make, a reading that I am supposed to be doing, a comment my instructor just made on my latest paper that just rubs me the wrong way, and so forth. However, there are other times when I just stare out the window, look at the outside world, and pray that God will get me through one more article, one more chapter, and one more response to a question that I just don't understand. I think the doctoral program is a challenge to any individual, but I can imagine that without God, it most be a very lonely road. Oftentimes, I feel alone as I sit in a dark corner facing the window and looking to the outside world for a bit of comfort or even normalcy to this crazy, busy, and stressful new way of life. I continually remind myself that the sacrifice is worth it once I reach the end of my journey. When you are at the beginning, it seems so far ahead.

I actually am not complaining. Although there have already been times when I have questioned my decision to continue down this path, time where crocodile tears fall in moments of frustration because I just do not seem to understand what all my other classmates seem to, and times where I do not really know if I will make it to the end, I know that I am actually not alone. Sam, my fiancé, has been my biggest supporter often telling me he sees me as a future investment (I find this quite hilarious.). I have my twin sister who always cheers me up, especially when she tells me my writing sounds like it came from a textbook. I have friends that support my endeavor. But, when you sit in your chair alone and the outside world is passing you by, there are moments when you feel it- the "aloneness."I know for a fact that these feelings are ok, but in reality, I must remember that God is ever present and would not have me walk this road alone.

The other day it was suggested by a close friend that I give up singing for the worship team at my church and maybe even giving up church on Sunday to lessen the stress I constantly feel. I think I stared at that person in shock and bewilderment at such a suggestion. I have sacrificed time with friends, a personal business that gave me enjoyment, craft time, baking time, and even sleep. I have given up a lot of leisure time with my best-friend and future husband. BUT, the one thing I will not give up, the one thing I know that will carry me through to the end, and the one thing I know undoubtedly will continue to make its never-failing mark on my life is... my faith. I know that God is the one truth in this whole difficult journey that will be with me through every hurdle, every stumble, and every face-plant. He will be with me at the high points to celebrate my success and embrace me at my low points. So, today after spending time with my second family at a church that feels like home, I reaffirm that the one thing I will not give up is time with God.